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Events
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*Post-race cash rebates
Post-race cash rebates may be available for selected runners based on complex formula consisting of past and present performances, financial hardship, attitude, type of vehicle currently being used, as well as some other vague discriminating factors.
Post-Race Rebates may be available to:
1) runners who have finished in the top 3 places will receive nothing back, zero.
2) people who finish at the back after running for 12 hours will receive at least a $10.00 rebate.
3) people who have proof of finishing an ultra in last place will receive at least a $15.00 rebate.
4) runners who finish first this run on July 4th with the most miles will receive nothing, zero.
5) runners who wear really cool clothes will get a $20.00 rebate.
6) runners who whine about the weather, surface, aid, awards, or any mention of politics will receive no rebate and face possible disqualification.
7) runners who are females and complete the run with between 30-50 miles get a $35.00 rebate... just because.
8) the runner who tells the best joke during the day to the race director may get a $30.00 rebate depending upon the race director's mood.
9) runners who are seen using/eating/drinking gels will get nothing, zero.
10) runners who drive a SUV or anything that looks like a SUV, nothing, zero.
11) runners who have been placed on any waiting list for an ultra, a definite rebate.
12) runners who ask "Where are the race packets?", forget it!
13) runners who still talk to the guy who was initially complaining about this run and the cost. You will get a modest rebate to take to that guy to apply to whatever he needs money for, however consider a subtle hint of the various and numerous types of psychotherapy that are currently available.
14) runners who bring someone to help count their laps, $1.00.
15) runners who have been disqualified from any of David H's runs, a rebate of $20.00 or more.
16) runners who have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or told that he probably would have received that diagnosis had he continued inpatient hospitalization, will request the rebate to which they are entitled, which will be given to him later than he thinks he should have gotten it.
17) any runner who is currently an enrolled armed-service employee, $30.00 rebate.
18) any runner who has ever held political office, no rebate, double zero.
Exclusion statement: "no combinations nor with any other offer".
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